so many things changed over the course of the past year. and yet, here i sit, wrapped in my zebra striped snuggie with a fresh roof over our heads, old and new friends surrounding us, doubting myself.

next month, i’m going to visit one of my most cherished friends. suset is a sister, really. as long as she is in the world, i know everything is fine. she has helped to bolster me when we lived in the icy little village in scotland. we cheer each other on through the most ridiculous circumstances either of us could possibly invent for ourselves. [i mean, i did chose to move to an icy village in scotland... one of my less crazy life choices] i called her tonight because i felt lonely and despondent and overwhelmed in a way that only suset can calm. and do you know what she said?

we are our own downfalls. everyone else knows who and what we are and how much we are capable of. we are holding ourselves back. not them.

it is so easy to listen to these things. there are so many quotes telling us what to do or how to think or how to fix this or that problem. and it is equally simple to let the words go away as easily as they come.

let’s not. let’s believe in ourselves, in myself, before anything else.

revisions is a post from: blissful and mundane

so today was an epic failure of a day. not really, but by 9pm it sure felt like an epic failure. the morning seemed productive and good but i really did not sleep much so by 2 i was difficult. george and i slept [he actually built a monumental train track for the first time in his history and then fell asleep on it... i just covered him with a blanket and let him be] but when i woke up there were 1 million plus five things i had neglected and dinner and… ahh! the kicker, the final straw, was the poop in the sink. i’m a little strange about cleanliness in places we eat or bathe. that the boy pooped in his potty chair and tried to dispose of it is wonderful. but that he’d tried to rinse out the potty chair in the sink was disgusting. really gross. but then i remembered how he’d made me tea earlier and i never heard the sink run… thankfully i didn’t drink the tea but oh my how horrible.

how does one explain these things to the profs in the morning? how do i say that i really had enough of my kids and had to drink whiskey in order to preserve their well being therefore i’m really not able to function properly at 9 am? i think ‘poop in the sink’ should be enough.

we all have our breaking points and this was mine today. after laundry and meals and more laundry and cleaning and who knows what other mundane yet time and energy consuming activities happened today. poop in the sink was the crowning jewel.

i’m tired and i’m going to sleep. i didn’t make it even part way through my list of things to do today. maybe if i buy just the right sparkly pen tomorrow morning… after the conference with allegra’s teachers at 7:20 and before the 9:30 seminar… maybe then tomorrow will be better than today. and there will be no more poop in the sink.

finger’s crossed.

poop in the sink is a post from: blissful and mundane

despite hourly interruptions by my short offspring, i’ve been thinking again about the superstar of my first chapter – firoz jang – and the challenges he and his manuscript pose for forward movement in dissertation land. teaching obligations over the summer made spending time with this chapter nearly impossible… we conversed superficially from time to time, but nothing quality. last week we began to renew our relationship, but i’m still a bit blocked as to where to take us next.

the first challenge is to describe the manuscripts in a somewhat intelligible way. then there’s his own cast of superstars – men and their horses who make up a specific world view. and finally, an explanation. who cared about these men? what significance did they hold? seeing as how i can hardly find much about them now, in my own imagination they seem a bit like lady gaga to my teenage daughter. so… this is my challenge for the week.

and then there are the children. i really wish i could meet more grad students with children. i’ve been desperately trying to balance friendships [with childless beloveds and with beloveds who are not in grad school] with the demands of the phd. but i feel that this just cannot work. the kids are the priority, then the husband, then school… which leaves friends pretty low in the time/energy department. how to explain that we cannot meet at 2 because the boy sleeps and without that sleep, our day is shot. or that evening dinners with faculty are incredibly difficult to manage with a three year old. and the 13 year old just isn’t so interested. ahh.

i’ve come to the conclusion that we just need to get on with it. in order to get through the year and finish up all that’s been left hanging… i simply cannot worry about stepping on toes. because otherwise, my own toes are sore.

i suppose this is an open apology for what does not happen in the coming year so that we really do move on. with firoz jang sorted, and zabardast khan explained, and mukhlis analyzed, and the dissertation done.

firoz jang, revisited is a post from: blissful and mundane